A Shocking Revelation

Yesterday was a really hot summer day; towards the afternoon, I took off much of my clothing due to the heat and laid down in the cool shade of my bedroom for hours…as I did so, I had these strange images come through my mind, intrusive images of my mother naked.  I just shook them off after a time, and it wasn’t until this morning that I started to explore an impression in the back of my mind.  I began to list all the times my mother had made creepy, sexually intrusive comments to me, I began to examine her behavior in my mind, asking, when did she act inappropriately…

Soon I could feel myself beginning to dissociate, then the images started to flash into my mind; an up close image of my mothers naked thighs and what lay between them…  my hands moved reflexively into this upturned position over my genitals, and locked there for a long time…I began to cry, and experience this full body memory.  I must have been maybe two-four years old, in my mothers bed, naked; my brother was also there, she would touch our genitals, say she was playing the same ‘monkey game’ that my older brother used to molest me later in life…and she made us perform oral sex on her at the same time; at some point I reached over and found my brother was hard.  Back then, while this was happening, my legs failed, and I urinated on myself; while I was dissociating today, I could feel this strange warmth radiating from my crotch down my thighs, and I was also unable to move my legs for over an hour while I remembered the experience.

I never thought this could be the case…it makes sense, but…I had no idea it had happened.  And while I was having this amazing sensory flashback, I was frozen in shock; it was undeniable, and sudden, and then it was just there; the whole memory.  After it was over, she tried to pacify us with food; the roots of my eating disorder…  The roots of the sexual abuse my brother perpetrated on me…  The reason my mother reacted the way she did when I announced that I had been sexually abused but didn’t say who it was.  She was afraid, I see it now; afraid that I remembered, that I was going to tell other people that it was her.  Disturbingly enough, after I told her, she called me into her bedroom, asked me to sit down on the same bed where she had abused me, while she was wearing a robe just like she always did when I was a child (maybe the same one), and demanded, right there, that I tell her what happened.  I felt so uncomfortable sitting there, but I didn’t remember, I couldn’t even name my brother yet at that point.

She would rattle off a list of names, hoping I would latch onto someone other than her, and then proudly insist to others that ‘he doesn’t remember a thing…’ which of course wasn’t true, I had several memories of my brother’s abuse floating in my mind, that I just needed to work through when I felt safe enough, which definitely wasn’t going to be while I lived in that house.   My mother became incredibly irate when her sister, my aunt said that it could be my father, noting that her own husband was sexually abused by his father, and that the abuser is often in the family.   She couldn’t handle any suggestion that it could be in the family, though after that she was very eager to ask me if someone in my aunt’s immediate family had done it.

What my brother did was highly unoriginal; he made me perform oral sex on him, just like she did, and then he anally raped me as well a few years later.  And of course they both remembered what they did to me; I was the only one on the outside.  The incest was deeper, more profound than I had thought.    My mother acted like it was all about her when I revealed my abuse, and not just because she was self-centered and deluded, but because she sexually abused me herself, and didn’t want to be reminded of it.

I was sexually abused by my mother as a young child.  Eight years of trying to work through my issues of abuse, and this is the first time I ever uttered those words.   This changes everything…I’ve been working a lot recently on believing myself, on validating my truth, that yes, my brother did sexually abuse me, and that is why my body decided to release this clearly; because I’m ready to take my side.   Reading the blogs ‘emerging from broken’ and ‘overcoming sexual abuse’ over the past month has helped me immeasurably in this process.

I’m a survivor of incest, not only emotional and physical abuse.  The latter two were very damaging, but those memories of cruelty were not blocked out like the sexual abuse was.  I’ve felt fear, like the voices of my family are around, telling me I made it all up, that I’m a liar.  But I stopped talking to any of them years ago, I live almost 5,000 miles away and I have no connection to anyone I knew before the age of twenty.  I’m going to be open, as I said in my first entry I want to integrate, I want to bring things forward and create a complete account, a complete life, a complete persona.

About proudlysensitive

Gay male survivor of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.
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6 Responses to A Shocking Revelation

  1. Thanks Catherine, you aren’t the only one; we aren’t alone, incest is actually very common, but if we all hide we can never see that. I appreciate support, however I don’t really want any religious or spiritual messages on my blog, I hope you understand.

  2. Caden
    I told my mother that I was going to write a book. I thought that her reaction was really weird. She didn’t ask what it was going to be about ( It was quite a few years ago now and I had told her that it was going to be about my recovery from depression) and she got upset and told me that if there was anything in that book that she didn’t like she would sue me. I was shocked… and over the next few weeks I started to wonder what the hell she thought I was going to write about and at first I thought it was just about the mean things she did, and that she was so self centered that she thought the book was going to be about HER, but as time went on I realized that she had no idea just what I remembered and what I didn’t. I started to wonder what the heck I still didn’t remember. (and I have had even more memories since then as well and interestingly enough some of the things I did remember originally were HUGE and Terrible abuse that I dismissed as minor and simply “dysfunctional family stuff” ~ I sure know better now!

    People tried to tell me all my life (and they still do) that abusers don’t really know what they are doing is wrong, but if that is the case then how do they know that it needs to be hidden. I have realized so much more in the time since then too.

    A note of encouragement; I integrated completely and how I did that is exactly the way that you are writing about here. By facing the reasons that I had to dissociate in the first place. By realizing why I needed alter personalities to cope for me.

    Hugs and Love ~ Darlene

    • Thanks Darlene. You’re right, shaming and threatening their victims into ‘not telling’ is one of the first things that most abusers do; clearly they do know what they’re doing is wrong. My mother pushing food onto me as some sort of cover up for her guilt (about the sexual abuse, but also neglect and more) also shows that she knew what she did was wrong and how much it effected me. I realize now my brother gave out similar clues when I had only remembered his physical and emotional abuse; he remembered sexually abusing me and thought I did as well, and so he kept repeating a reference that I only realized the significance of this past year.

      It’s so encouraging to read that you integrated through doing this sort of work! Thanks for sharing.

      take care,
      -Caden.

  3. aureli says:

    You are such an inspiration, I’m just coming to terms with my physical, emotional, sexual abuse and neglect. And it shows me the way to go to keep recovering. Like you, I don’t have much memories of my childhood or adolescence.
    Can I ask you, when and how did you stop talking to them? How did you cope and react to seeing them again (I’ll see them again in 11 days and it will be the first time I see them since I started my recovery and the last)?

    • Aureli, thank you. I actually used to think I remembered everything fairly well, before I began to discover these shocking things I had repressed. When I moved away to college in 2004, I never saw or spoke to my brother or father again. But I struggled a great deal to extricate myself from my mother due to financial blackmail on her part, until in 2006 when I cut her off via email, trying to trust that I could find my own way and be better off no matter what without her. My health seemed to improve immediately upon doing so. I broke things off with my sister a year earlier, also through email. Thankfully I’ve had no run-ins since then–I live on an island very far away from all of them now and the likelihood of seeing any of them here is very slim. I’ve decided to confront them about the sexual abuse though (just not in person.)

      The last time I saw my sister (a few days before sending her my letter) I was reluctant but as there was no physical danger, I just used it as a way to observe her abusive tendencies one last time. I think if you can stand your ground and be aware of what tactics they will try to use against you, that might help. take care,
      -Caden.

  4. Pingback: Proudly Sensitive

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