Progress and Hope Towards A New Year, A New Decade...

For the past two years I’ve been taking organic ginger, msm, and fulvic acid on a daily basis to maintain my health.   In that time, if I ever went without these supplements for a day I experienced strong consequences.  I was therefore shocked to find incredible feelings of relief and well-being in the weeks I since ceased taking all of them.  These are strong natural anti-inflammatories, but what would happen if I continued taking them in high doses when my body was no longer wracked with inflammation?  What if my body was changing, healing, realigning itself all the while but I was not able to experience the results because the medicine locked me in the same place I had been for so long?  I believe that is the case, and at the end all I was experiencing were side-effects which were gaining in strength as my body was trying to communicate to me; STOP! we don’t need these anymore!

I’m so glad I listened.  In the beginning, fulvic acid was all that carried my brain out of a state of chronic fatigue.  But today I have so much more stamina and mental clarity then when I was relying on it every day. The health conditions I’ve had, (multiple chemical sensitivity, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia…) are not quantifiable through standard medical tests.  When I was examined by conventional doctors, all their readings showed me as being in exceptionally good health.  I’m thrilled that I may be able to actually experience that health one day soon.    As I become more connected to my body, my history, my life, the contradictions start to melt away, and there is just me.   What may have worked, or even saved my life a few years ago does not necessarily serve me today.  I didn’t expect to stop taking my primary supplement regime, just as I didn’t expect to stop dissociating, compulsively eating, or being addicted to fetish pornography.   But in all cases, my body and my life is changing, and the old ways of dealing with the world no longer serve me.

At the beginning of 2012, I promised myself that this year would be the one where things would change for me.  I thought that just meant surface changes like bankrupting my student loan debt, but it’s clear today that behind the feelings I had about my legal troubles was a much greater truth, that once I began to let out would not stop.  I had no way of knowing that after years of alternating between stagnation and slow progress  I would finally find healing resources that actually spoke to me.  Or that I would uncover an avalanche of repressed memories surrounding incest and sexual abuse; and that this could be such a good thing, a revelation that’s provided insights and clues which are enabling me to change in ways that I couldn’t have imagined one year ago.   My physical and emotional health are entering a different world because of this knowledge.    And that is because it is real, my flashbacks are genuine memories of the abuse that I went through.  If they were hallucinations or lies then I wouldn’t be healing by drawing them out and working through them.

Another reason why I felt this year was so important is because of my birthday on January 8th.  I’m turning 30, a number I used to regard with fear, shame, and self-blame for the expectations I hadn’t fulfilled by this point.  But I don’t feel that way today, and I see that those feelings were inherited from the hypercritical emotional abuse I lived under for the majority of my life.  The reality is, I have accomplished things and made a life for myself, especially considering how mine started.  As I’ve been reflecting the past week, I don’t feel ashamed. In my daily life I look much younger then my age, and so I generally let people assume whatever they like.  But I’m not going to lie, and least of all here.

I’m so glad that I have this blog.  Each entry has helped me heal and make progress, learn more about myself.  And I’m thrilled that some of what I’ve written has helped others as well.   Of course I’m not finished, with the flashbacks or the work that I’ve been doing.  I’m also not completely cured of my health conditions just yet.   But I’m excited for the future.  I have so many plans for this year.