The Horror of Cameras and the Chimera

Since confronting my ex-family my recovery work seems to have entered a new phase.  I’ve spent half-days heavily dissociating, curled up in bed, sometimes reacting compulsively as I uncover repressed memories of the abuse.  It isn’t really related to depression–I’m drawn to lie in bed because that’s where so much of the abuse took place, primarily in my parent’s bed, though sometimes mine or my brother’s.  So many scenes flood my mind while I’m lying there–at times I was tied up in my bed, or just left there, alone after the abuse, barely conscious.  But what this whole process was building up to was something much more horrifying.  I had a flashback where I was maybe six or seven years old and my brother was sexually abusing me in his bedroom.  But we weren’t alone, his every move was being supported, if not directed, choreographed.  As he beat and raped me I dissociated, I left my body and focused on the video camera behind us. 

In the flashback it had such a disturbing, aggressive wobbly movement that made me feel so sick to see; because the person holding it was so excited, if not actually pleasuring themselves, grunting.  There was actually video footage, as alone and trapped as I was, as filled with dead-end hopes of someone finding out and helping me, especially with my brother…as much as I had that people actually saw everything with their own eyes and recorded it for their personal pleasure.  I can’t fucking believe that.  How outrageously disgusting could you possibly be?  I’ve found more memories, feelings since then…I was cornered, up against the wall and there were these cameras…behind them I could hear this deep, hideous laughter accented by beer and smoke.  I know that laughter…any time I’ve heard something like it in my life since I’ve felt extreme anger and disgust. 

I was forced to watch those tapes as a child, and I remember hearing my parents watching it alone, but it stops there.  I have to ask, where are those tapes today?  Did someone keep them, sell them, circulate them?  Could someone be watching them right now?  Will I ever know?  It’s truly devastating to think about. 

The flashback I received after confronting my family seems to point to the existence of some sort of child porn/pedophile ring.  Of course it’s understandable enough that my parents would pick people as sick as them as friends, but this was something more organized.  It’s maddening to know that my sick, corrupt, and disgusting parents actually allowed this to happen and orchestrated it themselves.  I wonder how much money they made selling us?  However much it was, that money sure as fuck didn’t go to taking care of me, making sure I had clothes, medical care, things I wanted…  And they weren’t sorry, they were indignant; I can’t believe the amount of hypocritical self-righteousness that these people conducted themselves with.    They wanted to be sure that I would always blame myself, never step out of their web of shame, guilt, and self-blame.  So they pounded it in deep, with constant emotional abuse, screaming, put-downs. 

My mother screamed “I don’t owe you anything.”  Well guess what?  You chose to have children, and you owed me safety, protection, kindness, understanding, nourishment, and basic needs.  Which you did not give.  After your criminal sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, you owed me a great deal more then just that.  But you lorded it over me, you cast me out with PTSD, an eating disorder, crippling anxiety and depression, and then you thought you would spend a lifetime standing behind my shoulder, issuing criticism after criticism that I was so ‘incompetent,’ I made such ‘bad decisions,’ and when would I work harder to impress you?  Give you grandchildren to abuse?  You were the one with “entitlement” issues.  You thought you were entitled to my body, to my life and you were dead wrong. 

Today I feel a deeper sense of how unjustified the hypercritical blame put onto me was.   My parents were petty, ugly, cruel people that were in effect going for broke.  They were desperate, terrified lest I realize what happened to me and my self-worth, my rights (whether legally, politically, or personally.) They did not speak from a place of power.   I’m glad today to know that it is their worst fears that are going to come true, not mine. 

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About proudlysensitive

Gay male survivor of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.
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15 Responses to The Horror of Cameras and the Chimera

  1. Angela Dawn says:

    Thank you for sharing, Caden. Always inspired by your strength and courage on your healing path.

    Grace and Peace

  2. Daisy says:

    Hi Caden, I’m so angry on your behalf. I think of how fucked up both our parents are and how beautiful we are.

    Love
    Daisy

  3. Sandra says:

    Dear Caden,
    Our memories/nightmares are our driving force – it fuels the burning desire to LIVE and to be the person God intended us to be. Help others with your experience, see through their barriers and reach in and touch the core of their souls and lead them into the light! Keep sharing and rise above the victim and be a conquerer – be a good man!

    • Thanks Sandra, I will keep exploring and sharing the truth here. I don’t believe in gender labels or stereotypes though–my goal is to be a free human being. I understand what you meant, but just wanted to add that.

      take care,
      -Caden.

  4. Kylie says:

    Hi Caden.
    I am totally horrified by what I have read here. I am so sorry that you were forced into being filmed and potentially sold for profit. I can think of nothing more violent and exploitative for a child to experience.
    Your ex-family is clearly criminally insane-sociopathic and I hope that one day they go to prison for what they have done to you.
    I saw the expression once, “don’t complain about the darkness, light a candle,” – and that is what you are doing.
    Thanks for your courage to keep showing up powerfully and insightfully in spite of what you have experienced. You are living at a very high level of our human potential, and creating a great example for others who have been through similar things.

    Thanks,

    Kylie

  5. Thank you so much Kylie. It is horrifying, and my parents should definitely be in prison. The more I learn about how psychotic and disgusting their treatment of me was, the more impossible it seems that they are letting go of opportunities to sexually abuse other children today. Lighting a candle is exactly what I want to do– to not hide in the dark, and let what they did have the greater impact.

    take care,
    -Caden.

  6. transcender1 says:

    Hi Caden,
    I was so moved by your story! I hope you continue to write. Have you checked with authorities as to pressing charges? Some states have laws that help Adult Children of Rape and Abuse, with laws that state there is no Statute of Limitations if the rapes and abuse occurred by the age of 12 and younger. It is a painful process, but it really helped our family when we prosecuted.

    • Thanks Transcenderi. I am looking into that possibility–the statute of limitations is still open in the state where all of the abuse happened (it won’t expire until I turn 50…) but I don’t live there anymore and neither do my ex-parents, so I’m not sure how that would work or which state law would be used. I am taking other steps at present, however, and will move forward with the aim of protecting and standing up for myself as much as possible, wherever that takes me… I’m glad to hear that you were able to successfully prosecute!

      take care,
      -Caden.

      • transcender1 says:

        You’re so very welcome. I wish you well on your journey and I support you as you go. It’s strengthening and validating to meet someone on a road that most victims don’t travel or they flat-out REFUSE to travel. Something I’ve dealt with also, as 2 victims in the family refused to prosecute – they didn’t want to rock the boat. I admire your strength. Travel well, Caden.

  7. popcorn says:

    I was able to read this just now.
    I could relate to many things.. especially being tied and being abused by others.
    I sometimes think I am crazy when these flashbacks appear… especially as I have no real memory, just these flashbacks .. and you writing about all this, also about the dissociation makes me believe more in my perception again.
    I hope you are feeling better and I send you lots of love…

    • Thank you Linah. I know how difficult that struggle to believe that your repressed memories are real can be, and I’m so glad I could assist you on that. I am feeling better, at least a little bit.

      take care,
      -Caden.

  8. Oh Caden, I’m so, so, so incredibly sorry. You deserved a universe better than what you had. I am so inspired by your strength, courage and dedication to your healing.

    E.A.

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