Overcoming Outside Cynicism On My Journey

This morning in a dream I excitedly arrived at the trail head for what would be a two-day hike.  But as I started walking with my pack, I became anxious because while I paid the entry/permit fee at the gate, I didn’t receive any form of receipt, and hoped I wouldn’t need it.  When I came to the first wood and rope bridge over a river, I was surprised that it was shaped in an odd zigzag pattern, and there were large gaps in the floor every three feet that I had to carefully step over lest I fall through.  I made it over the first one, but felt very anxious and frustrated at the idea that I didn’t how to cross them correctly and would have to do so many more times.  While walking through the forest a while later, I came across hikers on their way back from my destination.  One of them told me that I wouldn’t reach the end for another ten-twelve hours, by which point it would be past 2am.

All my information said it was only a six hour hike in, and I wasn’t going to keep walking after nightfall, so this confused me.  And then another person came along and told me that the overlook point wasn’t special and only of interest to biology students.  Yet again this was contrary to what I knew, but I fell into exhaustion, depression, and hopelessness.  I started to just find a place nearby to camp but ultimately wound up turning around and going home.  The dream parallels what I’ve been going through in my waking life as of late.

To have people who don’t share my enthusiasm, interests, or any real knowledge of who I am define me is something I know very well.  Just like those people on the trail who dissuaded and fed me cynical information, when I was growing up (and especially as a young adult) my mother was very fond of talking me out of things I wanted to do.  Telling me I would never make it, that I wouldn’t like it, that what I wanted was pointless.  My sister would go a step further, and constantly act as if every decision I made was so “extreme” and needed to be tempered down.  But she didn’t know what my natural pace should be, or really understand that constantly shooting down my goals made sure I did nothing.  I remember she once said in her defense, “I don’t want you to be disappointed.” But in fact I would much rather be disappointed by actually trying something and not making it at first then as a result of knowing that the people who claimed to care the most about me wouldn’t support me or a higher vision of my self-worth.   In reality, she aimed to disappoint, to be that little voice in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough, to be a judgmental, cynical, and abusive presence in my life.

I know that I can judge things for myself as I go along, if someone told me that it took THEM ten-twelve hours to make a hike that should have been much shorter, that tells me something about them and their experience, it isn’t a surefire prediction of what will happen to me.  And if it did take much longer then I expected, or was impassable, then that is ok too.  It doesn’t mean I failed, just because conditions aren’t immediately what I want them to be.  Right now I don’t know how long my healing process will take or how many very important additions to my story I will uncover.    I don’t know if it will ever really be complete or if I will care about that notion in the future.   But today I know it is fine, I can keep going.  It is a worthwhile and valuable pursuit for me, even if it is long and difficult, and I can’t picture it.   Even if others can’t see that value.

In the past, I would dissociate a lot and thereby play mind games with myself when it came to my eating disorder.  I would believe that I had recovered forever after one week or two on a program, and then inevitably I would relapse and feel terrible.  I would try to use willpower to stop, or focus on different dietary programs and tricks, which of course didn’t work.  Today I’m not using willpower to desperately try and abstain, I’ve found a deep enough understanding of the childhood trauma that began that cycle to really lose the compulsion.  My whole body is in agreement and the idea of binge eating or etc. hardly ever occurs to me now, and if it does it just dissolves on it’s own, without my having to ‘argue’ with it.   But I’m still nervous about when that path truly reaches it’s end, after so many years of pain.  I don’t want to be a “hypocrite,” saying that I’ve recovered from my eating disorder only to have a relapse at some point, and I don’t want to trick myself.  Yet in the past four months even when I’m at my absolute lowest point and I backslide on other things, the eating disorder doesn’t come back.  I’m sure I can afford the hope that it never will, and I didn’t get to this point by judging myself, but self-trust is something I’m still working on.

If I have to spend more time then I planned in some cycle or feeling, then that is ok, so long as it comes from my feelings, and my decision there is no shame in it.  I know in the past shame was heaped upon me by my family for not having any confidence and stopping when they beat me down with their verbal abuse.  They held that they were not responsible for the demeaning and abusive things they said to other people, and that they had nothing to do with my being “too sensitive,” having no confidence and lacking a short memory.  That is where the feeling in the dream came from, that no matter what it was my fault and someone would be around to tell me so, to belittle all of my decisions and tell me “I would have done ___.”   As I’m discovering new empathy for myself throughout my life, those ridiculous explanations they created whereby everything was my fault because I was ‘defective’ and incompetent are falling away, one wall at a time.

In the dream I was afraid of being caught without the permit that I had paid for, because in my childhood, there was no understanding given to simple mistakes or confusion, it was all viewed as the same.  Today, I don’t perpetuate that.  Right now it is taking me a while to regain some equilibrium as things keep coming up adding weight to the fact that I was a victim of child pornography.   My parents didn’t own the video cameras and other equipment, they had people come over to help them with it.  One person in particular, a young man with dark hair appears in many of my flashbacks, and it seems there was some element of prostitution there as well, because my parents let him abuse me all the time, even without cameras present (since I’m sure he wouldn’t let himself be recorded like that, he only wanted to do it to innocent kids.)  It’s not remotely easy to process and integrate and believe all of this new information.   But that’s ok, I can take that time and do what I can meanwhile towards self-care and maintaining the equilibrium I want.  This dream has shown me that.

Advertisements

About proudlysensitive

Gay male survivor of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Overcoming Outside Cynicism On My Journey

  1. Hi Caden
    I can identify all too well with the put downs & discounting me as an individual. My sister gave me consistent messages that I was not good enough. Especially during middle & high school. She made snide & mean comments about superficial things like clothes & hair. She accused me of caring too much what other people think. I now know it was from her put downs & snide comments. She was the one so concerned about her image, that it mattered more than my feelings. I started to make comments back to her and of course, I’m the mean one. She thought that telling me what was in was helping me. That is what she needed not me. I’ve always been my own person- artistic & free thinking. Yet, the high expectations on looks & performance took priority to building my confidence & my art. Now that I’m in my 40’s, I’m so glad I’m not like them. I value my creativity & empathy. Not easy being a child with these traits, since it does set u apart. However, if I was encouraged & valued for me that would have been wonderful. Abusers are the ones who are limited & less than. It’s a false image they portray to themselves & others. I still get triggered by snide comments & put downs from anyone, as is normal, however the big difference is that I’m not crushed by it. Ride the feelings mixed with what I know to be true sets me free most days. Thanks for sharing your dream. I’ve had some similar w/ an old house- broken floor boards & mazes with no clear way out. Ironically & not surprising is my sister was in that dream. I kept finding my way out & she accepted that there was no way out & stayed.
    Sonia

    • Sonia, great comments; I know what you mean about your sister putting down your ‘look’ and not caring about the real you. I remember my older brother also once claimed that he was calling me ‘fat’ all the time when we were kids in order to kindly let me know about my weight so that I would take care of it. Which of course is not true at all, he started saying it before I had a real weight problem, and it was meant and rightly taken as one of his many insults, and his abuse as well as the rest of our family’s led to my eating disorder and being overweight as a teen. If I had been loved, accepted, and taken care of, I can’t imagine how much better those years could have been, and what I could have spent my 20’s doing instead of having an eating disorder and desperately trying to heal. But it’s never too late to change things and realize how great we are (and leave behind those that don’t agree!)

      Thanks for sharing that,
      take care,
      -Caden.

  2. popcorn says:

    hey caden
    again you write beautifully and you point out things that I am only trying to avoid..
    you face stuff and that is beautiful and helpful.
    I am thinking myself now of writing all that shit down.. all that bothers me.
    Like you, I was told many times I could “not do” stuff cause I were “too little” and later it was just without explanation. .. I know it’s because my mom is a perfectionist and wanted everything perfect thinking only she could do that.. so in the end, I have always had the feeling I “can’t do things” but now I realize it was a fucking brainwash.. well I realized before already, but you pointed out how severe that brainwash can be if you don’t work on it.
    thank you so much for this and helping me understand my own journey..
    I think I will write for myself now.

    love

    • Popcorn, exactly; children aren’t there to meet someones “perfect” standards; they need time and patience to improve at some things and find their talents, strengths. I was also just told I was ‘bad’ at things the first time I did them, and that was considered the end. It is really important to look back at how untrue those messages we were given are. I’m glad you’re going to write out your truth, it does help so much.

      thanks and take care,
      -Caden.

  3. It is so empowering to reach the point where you can identify the difference between your self-worth and people who supposed to love you’s opinion of you.
    Well done! You have worked hard to get here, don’t give up.
    Lots of healing love xxx

  4. Transcender says:

    We encountered lots and lots of “outside cynicism”, and I know those feelings very well. We were accused of ‘breaking up the family’. We were yelled at and lied about. then we were told we “should just forgive that part” of our life so we can continue the family get-togethers for the holidays. It was an unbelievable and years-long battle. The silver lining to it is that we are all stronger for it and i think anyone would be hard-pressed to tell one of my adult children that their feelings don’t matter; or their business idea is bad (while trying to steal it); or that their dreams don’t matter. We learned to fight and we learned that we do matter. Keep telling your story, Caden.

    • Thank you Transcender! I was told I was the problem for speaking up about how my brother abused me from a very young age. And I’m sure in their eyes (and many similar families that thrive on abuse, lies, and secrets) that is still the case, but I’m thrilled to have left that system. As you say, the silver lining is our self-worth, and that is gold!

      take care,
      -Caden.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s